is not fun.
I was talking to a most awesome individual the other night, playing holiday catch-up, telling him what amounted to tales of a heart-hammering 2013.
At one point he said, “Wow…everyone loves you. You have all these people who love you. I have a lot of people I can fuck but nobody loves me.”
This disarmingly honest statement is the most endearing thing he could have said.
But what happens when none of that love is possible?
What good is being loved if life and individual circumstances don’t allow it to be fully realized?
Because that’s my situation.
2013 has been my year of impossible loves. The love part has been tremendous but being hit with the reality of said impossibility hurts something equally tremendous.
Physical and emotional unavailability, a waning sexual attraction, a disparity in levels of commitment…factors that can’t be compromised without compromising oneself.
So my year has been chock full.
Of letting go.
And the trade-off?
I stay true to myself and the situation at hand.
This truth fucking hurts me and causes hurt but it’s honest.
But truth? I want to roll my eyes at pretentious honesty, ignore its gnawing presence and live in denial-land except I am incapable (thank you, fuck you previous life experiences). I want to rationalize growing chasms in my relationships but I just can’t. Once I feel that certain break, the one where my instinct high-alerts my heart and brain to prepare for impending sadness and grief, I know an ending is inevitable. Ignoring my instinct isn’t an option as it has saved my ass too many times; my life, even, on occasion.
After an ending, I am a puddle of grief.
What to do between cathartic cries?
I focus on myself.
I hurt, I think, I grow.
And I appreciate this difficult thing that is love.