trans talk

Sex changes

Sex changeswith every relationship.
Of course it does.

And when my partner is a transsexual, the sexing definitely shifts.

I expected gay, bi or straight sexual identity exploration to happen because that’s a common part of transition.  I expected the kind of sex we had to change as she figured out said sexual identity.  What I didn’t expect was the change in sexual roles.

As a man, my BF enjoyed dominating me.
As a woman, my GF wants to be dominated.

Hmm…

I sense an incompatibility of the irreconcilable sort sprouting.  I try being more dominant.  This isn’t my natural inclination but I recall one relationship where a very experimental other wanted me (in one of many phases of said relationship) to dom-i-nate; no two ways about it.  Gosh, that was so many years ago but maybe I can embody that mindset and try it out.

Except it’s so not me.
Shit.

The dissonance in roles of dominance and submission teeter-totters our relationship, in the same way that GF figuring out whether she is straight/bi/gay does, as well as my determining how attracted I am to a physically transitioning GF.

And I have to be real.

Me: So I think we need to open relationship like you suggested because, clearly, you aren’t getting your needs met from me.
GF: Okay, obviously I’m okay with that.  But you haven’t really tried having sex with me the way I want.
Me: It’s not for lack of trying.  Really, it’s not.  Stop rolling your eyes, goddammit.  It’s just that…obviously this is far from intuitive for me.  It’s like there’s a block.
GF: Rumi, do you think all the sex I had with you was solely the way I wanted?  I had sex with you the way you wanted it.
Me: Sigh.  And oh.  It wasn’t a chore, was it?
GF: Of course not, I love you.  It was never that but it wasn’t always 100% what I wanted is all- it was a compromise.  That’s all I’m saying.

I feel like I’ve failed my GF.
I wish- I really, really wish- that I could be a different person for her, someone who could fulfill all her new and changing needs.

It’s not for lack of love.

Thing is, I can’t lie in the face of sex, sex roles or sexual attraction.
I have before and what resulted was a stupid mess.  

But that’s another story for another time.

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random love

NC-17 search terms

NC-17 search termshappen with a blog title like this one, apparently.

“But can you sell horsetail butt plugs to middle-aged straight men with a straight face?” asks my potential new boss as she nods towards a pretty massive plug with a serious tail.  And it just so happens that as I made my way down to the interview chamber I saw a middle-aged guy in the shop, seriously contemplating the sex swing hanging in the corner.

Can I sell this?  My mind draws a cool grey, absolute blank slate.  Then so many questions squish-crowd my brain: what do I know about butt plugs?  What the fuck do I know about horsetail plugs?  How do I go about selling this?  Oh crap, do I need to try this out?  And what do I know about wanting to be a pony?  Shit, I need to find a fetish group?  What if I end up liking pony play?  I look at my interviewer, I picture the middle-aged guy and the image in my head amidst the questions is a verdant forest with all manner of whipped and leather-clad big and little people and animules as a verdant me is attempting to get schooled in this particular fetish scene.

Wait, how did I get here?

Right, my attempt to find a tolerable part-time gig at a very progressive, women-run (read: lesbian friendly) boutique sex shop.  I pictured talking about silicone, electric, metal, glass vibrators and dildos, condoms, harnesses, lube, basically everything except anal toys.  I feel inadequate and ill-prepared.

Shit, I still haven’t answered the question.
How many minutes have passed?

Also, I am high.  Ridiculously giddy high.
I can’t keep a straight face as I attempt to answer.  I hear myself say something about being a lesbian, dildos are cool, harnesses too, honestly hor–…and I lose it.  I can’t help it.  Horsetail plugs are funny.  No?  Thing is, the fucking rabbit vibrator that’s been around forever makes me giggle.

Because I’m that mature.
I so don’t need to work here.  Bosslady agrees (imagine).

I was twenty when I failed this interview.
Why the recall?
Those NC-17 search terms I mentioned?
This is what I thought was searched:
‘fucking a japanese lesbianin [sic] the butt’

Turns out this was the not-cut-off-by-a-smartphone version:
‘fucking a japanese lesbianin [sic] the butthole until it hurts’

Wow.
What a difference 3.5 words make, no?

Let’s talk painslut later.

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