And when my partner is a transsexual, the sexing definitely shifts.
I expected gay, bi or straight sexual identity exploration to happen because that’s a common part of transition. I expected the kind of sex we had to change as she figured out said sexual identity. What I didn’t expect was the change in sexual roles.
As a man, my BF enjoyed dominating me.
As a woman, my GF wants to be dominated.
I sense an incompatibility of the irreconcilable sort sprouting. I try being more dominant. This isn’t my natural inclination but I recall one relationship where a very experimental other wanted me (in one of many phases of said relationship) to dom-i-nate; no two ways about it. Gosh, that was so many years ago but maybe I can embody that mindset and try it out.
Except it’s so not me.
The dissonance in roles of dominance and submission teeter-totters our relationship, in the same way that GF figuring out whether she is straight/bi/gay does, as well as my determining how attracted I am to a physically transitioning GF.
And I have to be real.
Me: So I think we need to open relationship like you suggested because, clearly, you aren’t getting your needs met from me.
GF: Okay, obviously I’m okay with that. But you haven’t really tried having sex with me the way I want.
Me: It’s not for lack of trying. Really, it’s not. Stop rolling your eyes, goddammit. It’s just that…obviously this is far from intuitive for me. It’s like there’s a block.
GF: Rumi, do you think all the sex I had with you was solely the way I wanted? I had sex with you the way you wanted it.
Me: Sigh. And oh. It wasn’t a chore, was it?
GF: Of course not, I love you. It was never that but it wasn’t always 100% what I wanted is all- it was a compromise. That’s all I’m saying.
I feel like I’ve failed my GF.
I wish- I really, really wish- that I could be a different person for her, someone who could fulfill all her new and changing needs.
It’s not for lack of love.
Thing is, I can’t lie in the face of sex, sex roles or sexual attraction.
I have before and what resulted was a stupid mess.
But that’s another story for another time.