“But can you sell horsetail butt plugs to middle-aged straight men with a straight face?” asks my potential new boss as she nods towards a pretty massive plug with a serious tail. And it just so happens that as I made my way down to the interview chamber I saw a middle-aged guy in the shop, seriously contemplating the sex swing hanging in the corner.
Can I sell this? My mind draws a cool grey, absolute blank slate. Then so many questions squish-crowd my brain: what do I know about butt plugs? What the fuck do I know about horsetail plugs? How do I go about selling this? Oh crap, do I need to try this out? And what do I know about wanting to be a pony? Shit, I need to find a fetish group? What if I end up liking pony play? I look at my interviewer, I picture the middle-aged guy and the image in my head amidst the questions is a verdant forest with all manner of whipped and leather-clad big and little people and animules as a verdant me is attempting to get schooled in this particular fetish scene.
Wait, how did I get here?
Right, my attempt to find a tolerable part-time gig at a very progressive, women-run (read: lesbian friendly) boutique sex shop. I pictured talking about silicone, electric, metal, glass vibrators and dildos, condoms, harnesses, lube, basically everything except anal toys. I feel inadequate and ill-prepared.
Shit, I still haven’t answered the question.
How many minutes have passed?
Also, I am high. Ridiculously giddy high.
I can’t keep a straight face as I attempt to answer. I hear myself say something about being a lesbian, dildos are cool, harnesses too, honestly hor–…and I lose it. I can’t help it. Horsetail plugs are funny. No? Thing is, the fucking rabbit vibrator that’s been around forever makes me giggle.
Because I’m that mature.
I so don’t need to work here. Bosslady agrees (imagine).
I was twenty when I failed this interview.
Why the recall?
Those NC-17 search terms I mentioned?
This is what I thought was searched:
‘fucking a japanese lesbianin [sic] the butt’
Turns out this was the not-cut-off-by-a-smartphone version:
‘fucking a japanese lesbianin [sic] the butthole until it hurts’
What a difference 3.5 words make, no?
Let’s talk painslut later.