It goes against all my logic.
I WANT to believe him when he says he’ll be the same on the inside. I want this to be true because my insides are still blown away by his coming out and I’m actively processing at seemingly every moment, asking questions like: how much are things going to change, what will he look like, what will his transition entail (are there surgeries in the future- how many?), how long will it take for him to be happy, the list goes on. At this point it’s been a couple months at most since he’s come out to me. I’m still in love with him and if he’s right- that who he is on the inside will stay the same- then there’s a chance we can stay together…right?
I don’t know how he can stay the same.
The argument he presents is that he’ll still like the same things, treat me the same, have the same sense of humor etc.
I can see his perspective but- BIG but- what about all the external changes that will inevitably affect his identity and personality…who he is, in essence?
For instance, I don’t see his wanting to do things like picking me up off the ground in a big bear hug, slinging me over his shoulder, and swinging me around as I protest, kicking and screaming. I’m already missing his manhandling me in the future. I don’t want his new feminine identity to have to take a backseat because he knows that I want, possibly need, these very masculine acts of ownership in a relationship.
I wonder what will happen to us as our individual needs and wants seem headed toward irreconcilable differences.
I become unattracted to her because she will, slowly but surely, no longer resemble the man who made my heart skip a beat? I’m already grieving the future loss of sideburns, chest hair, lean but really strong arms and him in a simple white t-shirt and black hi-tops. This list of desirable traits lost will grow as time passes and whether my attraction takes an undeniable nosedive in relation to it remains to be seen. Thinking about the future, this uncertainty scares me because sexual attraction doesn’t lie and its absence won’t be ignored.
Yeah…so my future holds potential personality changes and shifts in sexual attraction…all very straightforward and complicated.