the first time I saw S en femme?
She is so nervous. So much so that the first time I’m supposed to see her as a lady, she can’t do it. So we put it off for a few days.
S is afraid I will reject her, judge her, dismiss her very early steps into transitioning.
I have my own insecurities.
Will I instantly feel differently towards her?
What will my reaction be?
Will my face give away any number of emotions- disappointment, relief, apprehension, rejection- that hit my heart?
I text her a heads-up and slowly make my way home.
Usually when I enter the house, I receive an insta-greet but tonight, we are both beyond trepidatious. I have to call out; she’s nowhere in sight. She’s in the bathroom, readying, steadying herself to come out.
It’s one thing to tell me she’s trans. It’s another thing when I see evidence in the way of heels, makeup, clothes strewn about. It’s another league of confrontation when I am about to see him attired undeniably as a female.
I am so anxious, I feel queasy.
I tell myself to calm it because odds are, S is more nervous than me.
And she is.
She super cautiously opens the bathroom door and so gingerly steps out. She can’t look at me.
I take her in.
I give her an honest, deliberate once-over, starting with her nude pumps and traveling up to her above-the-knee dress. I gaze at her bare arms, her wrists and her poor hands are trembling. It hits me just how nervous she is; I look into her eyes and I barely notice her makeup, which I know took serious time to apply.
She is wide-eyed and terrified.
I immediately take her in my arms and give what I hope is the most reassuring hug ever.
“You’re so nervous…”
She can only nod, fear still screaming from her eyes.
“It’s okay. Really. You look different, more natural than I expected. I love you. We’re okay. I’m so glad you came out to me.”
She finally starts breathing.
This is the first time I’ve seen this side of S. I’m not talking about her physical transformation; I’ve never seen her so vulnerable before, so unsure and emotionally scared.
It then hits me. The emotional transition process will be a time to face feelings that we often choose to deny or gloss over because they’re rather uncomfortable little fuckers.
And thus the adventure begins.
Happy New Year, beautiful readers!!!
2014’s adventures will be decidedly different but no less honest- yikes and cheers!