“Sometimes I’m grateful that the first time I had sex was someone I was in love with but sometimes I think it set me up for years of disappointment,” says my insightful and beautiful soulmate.
I ponder this as first sex is on my mind this week. With each new person, the sex changes; it’s always a totally different experience and not fairly comparable in the context of relationships.
I don’t have expectations of grandeur when it comes to first sex. It’s been boring, unexpected, romantic, fun, exciting, drunk, awesome, exhausting, curious, painful, sweet, incredibly nerve-wrecking and possibly…love? Never the same and always revealing. What can I say, the nekked is an interesting tell, from grooming habits to…well, the naked truth.
So no grand expectations but in a relationship, evolution is crucial. How it evolves depends on the other person and navigating that how has been the most fun and fascinating thing. I learn about myself, my person, limits, curiosities et al.
Toys? Sure, but not all and which ones really depend on my person. And not all the time. Public sex? Why not? But just how much of an exhibitionist is (s)he? These are interesting reveals. Cabs are fun, galleries and theaters too but as they give way to tiny, red-bulb bathrooms and I’m increasingly missing a warm bed and lazy sheets, a limit is within reach. Then there’s open relationships. Some, like S, can do this beautifully whereas I end up confused and emotionally drained; great in theory but a mess in my practice. Or, You want me to tie you up? Not a problem until I realize that I’m terrible at knots which is kind-of a problem and when it’s either do my damn knot homework or move on, I walk. Then there are the myriad variations within the realm of two people simply doing it.
Oh relationships…sometimes the sex is disappointing and the ending even more so but looking back, I don’t remember the mediocre or even bad sex.
I remember the awkward sweetness of youth, fumbling out-of-sync, habits and routines, random on-drugs camping, the laughter, rocky boats, staying silent, the cocoon of stars so close to the equator we are floating in the sky, the most comfortable bed ever because it’s ours.
I remember making up, rainy days, early mornings, late nights, breakfast in bed, different beds in different cities, states, countries and seasons changing.
I remember the love.