relationshipping, trans talk

Jealousy

Jealousywas unexpected.

BF was the most unjealous person I know.

Early-ish in our relationship, I lamely tested his J-meter in the vein of, “So I think *** might like me.”
BF automatically replies with, “He should.  You’re hot and a really cool person (Um blush-yay).  I’d have a crush on you.”   Such a smartass- I love it.

And in that moment BF manages to make me swoon all over again and I think he’s the coolest person ever.  Because he’s not bullshitting.  He really means what he’s saying.  I don’t know that I could be so generous and nonchalant about someone crushing on him.  Damn.  He’s really good at showing me up and I like the way his unexpectedly sweet response makes me rethink this thing called jealousy.  Namely, how void it can be in our relationship.

And if there was any potential interest or curiosity I might have had for someone crushing on me, he has unintentionally eradicated it.

Time passes, transition happens.

It turns out GF has a smidge of jealous in her.
Of me.

Whoa.

Adoration of innate qualities like my size, height and shape has gone the way of mild envy.  This new emotional reaction is unexpected, disconcerting and saddens me as I feel a decided shift.  I’ve gone from the woman he loves in all aspects to someone who makes her feel inadequate during transition.

I tell myself that GF won’t permanently feel this way about me.
A tiny seed of worry drops in my heart.
I don’t want this seed to sprout.

I don’t want my physical being to trigger thoughts of a more or less feminine ideal.
I want her to see me as she used to.

I have hope that as she discards her male shell, she will believe in and see herself beautiful.

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One thought on “Jealousy

  1. Pingback: She gets jealous | My BF turned me into a lesbian...in Japan

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